Overcoming Infidelity, Affairs And Cheating
Can a relationship go back to normal after cheating?
Yes a relationship can go back to normal after you have been cheated on and some relationships can become stronger after cheating, but there will be a lot of hurdles to face and overcome and there will be so turbulent times ahead, especially at the start.
First of all, can I ask you. How did you feel when you first found out that you have been cheated on and how did you react?
If your like most people.One minute, you think you've got the ideal relationship and everything is fine. The next minute your taken to the depths of hell, that's what happens when you discover that your partner has cheated on you.
The initial shock can leave you feeling sick to your stomach, as well as feeling as if you've been shot in the head and you've had your heart ripped out.
How could they, they told you they loved you, you committed yourself and your life to them, you may tell yourself.
You just can't believe they've met somebody else and by now you probably feel confused, angry, devastated, shocked, heartbroken and deeply betrayed.
After the anger has died down a little, the other negative emotions begin to kick in, which can engulf and overwhelm you.
During these early stages, do not rush into making any decisions, as you will need time to calm down, reflect and evaluate, what you want to do next.
Soon many people fall into a state of depression, where they will stop eating and they will find it difficult to sleep.
This makes dealing with the whole unpleasant ordeal and your everyday day life, more stressful, painful and harder to cope with.
The early stages on finding out,that your partner has been cheating on you can be very painful, stressful and challenging.
If that isn't bad enough, you have all the stress and upset of having to tell everybody else and if there are children involved, that adds to the pressure and stress.
If you initially separate, then you might have to find somewhere else to live or you may be left in a position where you now have to live on your own income, so there are a lot of things to deal with both emotionally and physcially.
At the start, you will go through a stage of grieving. This is because you can feel as if you're experiencing a deep sense of loss, which can affect your emotional wellbeing and your work performance.
The loss of trust, for some people, can be extremely hard to regain and for some, it can cause permanent and sometime, almost reversible damage.
You may want to end your relationship there and then, you may not even have a choice if they decide they're leaving you.
Or you might feel like giving them once last chance, as long as you know that their affair is over and they promise that they, never do it again and mean it.
If you do decide that you both want to save your relationship. Although it's not easy, it is possible to overcome an affair, but it will take time for you to heal, recover and learn to trust again.
How long does it take to overcome infidelity?
There is no set period, for how long it takes to get over infidelity, as everybodies grieving and healing, process can vary from person to person.
It is not so much a case of how long does it take to overcome infidelity, it is more of a case of how quickly can you process those strong and intense feelings and emotions.
The most important priority, right now is you and your children, if you have any and not your partner, therefore; it essential that you take extra good care of yourself.
Although on the inside you will feel shocked, heartbroken and devastated, try not to give them the satisfaction, of knowing how you feel.
Initially, all you will porbably won't to do is stay in bed and shut yourself off from the rest of the world, you'll probably do a lot of crying as well.
It is important to let it all out and allow yourself time to grieve your loss or hurt. The first few days, you may need sometime to yourself or some time off work.
If you can, try and carry on with your normal schedules and day to day routines and speak to a professional therapist, if you really need some extra help.
try and find someone that you can trust that you can talk to, preferably someone who will listen and not try to tell you what to do.
There is a lot of advice about surviving infidelity, but there is not so much help on what to do.
There maybe some well meaning people who will tell you to forget about it, let it go and move forwards.
Whilst others will tell you to ditch them as they come out with the old "cliches"
"A leopard never changes their spots or once a cheat always a cheat"
You'll probably also get the normal standard advise, like:
"If that was me, I would get rid of them"
The truth is, unless other people have experienced what it is like to be cheated on, they will not fully understand, what you're going through.
The harsh reality is; it is not an easy thing to just forget, let go and move on because those strong feelings and emotions, that are driving all your thought process, actions and behaviors, won't allow you to.
This is because of all the strong and intense emotions that have become attached to your partner and how it has hit you.
The first step is to process the emotion, otherwise you will create a bad emotional memory that can trouble you for many years to come, which can evoke feelings of both anger, hurt and insecurity for a long time to come.
If you do decide to try and save your relationship. It is incredibly important that you learn how to process and manage your emotions; otherwise they will keep on resurfacing, which will risk damaging your relationship in the future.
If you choose to save your relationship and move on; it is important for you to forgive and forget.
Saying it is easy, but if you really want to make your relationship work. You have to feel it; otherwise those strong negative emotions will continue to rule your thought processes, actions and behaviors in the future.
A lot of people will put extra effort into making an effort to improve their relationship with their partner on an external level, but they often neglect the far more important, inner emotional work.
The best way to make your relationship work, is for you to feel calm and at peace on the inside, despite what has happened.
As long as it is a one time mistake and you feel absolutely sure that it won't be repeated, then a relationship can survive infidelity, and if you're both fully committed, then you can both use it, to make your relationship better.
Once you learn how to manage and process your emotions, you will begin to feel more calmer, secure and at peace on the inside.
Doing this, will help you to start to overcome the affair allowing you time to recover and then move forwards, with which ever choice you decide to make.
The self hypnosis session How To Overcome Infidelity, will teach you how to process and manage your emotions, allowing you to forgive, forget and move forwards.
Coping with infidelity
Although it can feel as if your whole world has fallen apart and it can be extremely difficult at the start, things will get better or things will eventually sort themselves out and workout.
Even though you will be hurt, broken, mad and tearful. It is incredibly important, that you take good care of yourself during these difficult times.
Join a gym or workout at home, eat healthily, start a goal that you have been wanting to do but you never had the time.
Focus on yourself, treat and pamper yourself and do some form of deep relaxations (Avoid hitting the drink) as this can help to boost your self esteem, make you look great and even make you feel younger.
You may feel that all is lost at the moment, but who knows, you could end up being highly successful and your relationship could end up better than ever or you may meet somebody wonderful.
If you partner leaves you for the other person, you may feel like they have everything and you are left to suffer alone.
But there is no guarantee that they will live happily ever after, very often they soon begin to realize, that the "Grass is not always greener on the other side"
So don't let them diminish you, define you or bring you down; because you don't deserve this but it does not mean that you cannot go onto to live a great new life and achieve great things.
Try not to seek revenge, just do everything you can to chillout and the best revenge strategy that you could possibly do, is for you to take great care of yourself, get yourself fit and in good shape, and go out and do something wonderful and amazing with your life.
Try not to dwell on what has happened and try not to imagine a doom and gloom future, just practice living in the now and enjoying and getting on with your life, and the future will take care of itself.
It won't be easy at first, and it will take a lot of practice and although your going to have to suffer, go and come through this, if you look after yourself and you set some meaningful goals, you can come through it a stronger and more successful person.
Allow yourself time to make your decision
A trial separation or cooling off period is certainly a good idea.
Most people will probably adize you to leave your partner. They'll say things like. Once he/she has done it once, then they'll do it again or a leopard never changes their spots.
This is certainly true in many cases and if they have cheated on you more than once.
Then, for your own sake it is better for you to end the relationship, because no relationship is better than being in a very bad one.
But not every situation or person is the same and there are some who will learn their lesson and they will never do it again.
Some may go the opposite way and they may adize you to just forget about it and move on, you may even think the same things.
However, moving on and just forgiving and forgetting is easy said than done.
You don't want to keep reminding them about what they've done, but it will take time for you to build back that trust that has been taken away from you.
Therefore, you can overcome infidelity and you can save your relationship, but it will take time.
When you first discover the bad news, it feels like your whole world has fallen apart and this stage your thoughts and emotions will be all over the place.
You will go through the whole gamut of emotions, ranging from anger, sadness and immense hurt.
If you are forgiving and you are prepared to give your partner one last chance. One of the hardest things you will have to face and deal with is, regaining the trust.
Trust is a massive thing as far as relationships goes and once the trust is lost it is very hard to get back.
Forgetting and letting go, comes a close second. People find it a lot easier to forgive than to forget.
This is something that you may have to work on. As things start to get better, the chances are, you will begin to forgive your partner and you may even forget about what happened, most of the time.
What you have to be careful off. Any time you have an argument or disagreement, be careful you don't start dragging up the past and throwing it back in your partners face.
After the affair is over, and even years later. There maybe times when your trust is tested to the limit especially if your partner is going out with their mates or they are away because of their job or business.
These are the times when the trust will be severely tested. But it is not just a case of trusting them, because you may also have to trust your own judgements and imagination.
At times when you're not absolutely certain, what they're up to. Your will fill in the gaps and blanks and your mind will use your past negative relationships experiences to try and gauge or workout what your partner is really, up to.
Even if you agree to get back together and everything seems blissful to start with.
You will still have the traumatic memories stored in the back of your mind which can surface at any time in the future to influence your thinking, actions and behaviors.
Sometimes you have to rely on your intuition, instead of trusting your imagination. The not knowing can cause you so much grief, anger and stress.
If you are uncertain, you have the right to ask them a few questions, just to put your own mind at rest, but try and approach this in a calm way.
The last thing you want is to allow the anger to manifest and simmer. Being cheated on once is bad enough, the thought of it happening again, can cause you immense pain and anger.
Dealing with uncertainty
"Once bitten, twice shy"
After you have been through a traumatic and bad experience, the chances are you will proceed with caution in the future.
The slightest thoughts or suspicion can bring it all back to you and cause you to forever question your partners every move.
At times it can be very hard to calm and quieten your suspicious mind. What you will want more than anything, is the certainty that it will never happen again.
Your pride and your ego will be severely dented, you may even question, blame and look at yourself to try and figure out why they cheated on you. If so, try not to blame yourself.
The truth is. You can never have a hundred percent security that it will never happen again.
In a healthy relationship, you have to give and take to a degree and everybody should be entitled to do their own thing, even if they have cheated on you.
You may feel like you need to know their every move or you may feel as if you need them to spend all their time with you, just to calm your mind or make you feel reassured that its not happening again.
Learning how to rebuild that trust and learning how to deal with your anger is an important process of getting over infidelity.
You probably won't want to keep questioning them or wanting to know their every move, but there will probably times when you need to calm your angry or suspicious mind.
Dealing with the anger, can be really tough. Anger is a very strong and powerful emotion and if you're not careful, it will push you into a confrontation with your partner, who maybe, totally innocent this time.
The mind is capable of imagining every conceivable situation and this can cause you a lot of stress and anger, long after the affair is over.
It maybe justified it may not, and that is the difficult part. If they are having an affair, deep down you usually have a strong hunch and feeling.
Once somebody has cheated on you once, you may find that you become very defensive and it easy to imagine, what you suspect their up to, even when you have no real evidence to support it.
Your thoughts of anger and suspicion can drive you crazy and the strong emotional response they can cause can affect your actions and behaviors.
To calm yourself down. It may help you to, accept that you cannot control what they do and you might need to accept, that they may be having another affair, even if their not.
Of course you don't want them to have another affair, you're accepting it to help you keep your calm.
Be prepared to end the relationship if you strongly suspect that they're doing it again.
But first make sure that you have got your facts right, because it is easy to assume and make presumptions, merely because it has happened before. Just because it has happened once, does not always mean, its happening again.
Your mind can be very good at convincing and making you believe something that is not necessarily true.
If you're really not sure and you suspect that they're doing it again, then you need to make some big decisions.
But remember, just because your suspicious or you're imagining it happening again, does not necessarily mean your imagination is right.
It can be very easy to fall into the trap of checking everything that they're doing, but this will just hurt you.
Getting control of your self talk and the stories that you tell yourself is really important for your own emotional well-being.
Because overcoming infidelity is not all about forging your partner and letting know, that it is forgotten and everything is OK. What is more important is finding inner peace and calm, within yourself.
Work on your anger and spend some time relaxing. Again, if an issues arises that is making you feel angry, try and resolve it as quickly as possible.
If you would like to overcome your relationship infidelity so you can return back to a happy, loving and blissful relationship, once again.
Then you might be interested in the Surviving Infidelity Session that you can use in the privacy and comfort of your own home.
Rebuilding your self esteem
If you have been the victim of infidelity then this can negatively affect your self esteem, your self confidence and your self worth which can leave you feeling depressed and insecure.
This can can also cause you to have a low self opinion of yourself and it can create a negative self image of yourself.
Improving your self-esteem can improve your relationship and even your own sex life.
A negative self-image isn't always rooted in your appearance, neither is it all down to the fact that you have been cheated on.
Your past negative experiences, bad memories, your own opinions of yourself as well as your previous relationship failures or your career setbacks or all the other life setbacks and disappointments can lead to feelings of failure, victim mentality thinking and depression.
Whatever the reason for your low self worth or your negative self image and being the victim of an affair can severely impact you in many negative ways.
Fixing your self esteem is important to rescue your relationship, however correcting this problem will require a bit of work and commitment.
Sometimes low self esteem and low self worth can affect your relationship and the key to building your self esteem is all about pinpointing and corrected the root cause of it.
When our confidence and self esteem is low and fragile it is easy for us to focus on are perceived weakness and flaws.
Taking your focus of your perceived weakness and flaws and putting all your attention on all the good things about you and all your strengths and attributes can help to increase your self esteem.
Always remember to use positive and nice self talk about yourself. Make it a habit to praise yourself for everything you do good, no matter how small.
You will spend more time speaking to yourself than you will speaking to anybody else. Therefore it is incredibly important for you to say empowering things and statements about yourself.
Your partner may have hurt you badly, but the person that can diminish you the most, is yourself.
There is a lot to deal with
Finding out you've been cheated on is hard enough.
But on top of this you will have to put on a brave face so you can carry on with your life and face the people you have to frequent with on a daily basis when really all you will probably want to do is to be left alone.
The last thing you want is to keep explaining to everybody what happened.
If you're being cheated on or you have been cheated on then you will be feeling very angry, upset and hurt.
It can happen out of the blue, you can be sailing along thinking everything is fine when suddenly your whole world is rocked and turned upside. Your emotional state can switch in one heartbreaking life shattering moment.
The sudden realization that your partner has cheated on you can put you in an emotional state of turmoil, shock and despair, it can hit you like a ton of bricks, it is often something you did not expect or prepare for.
If you have been cheated on then your first priority is the welfare of yourself and your children if you have any.
There is no easy way of dealing with an affair, if you are having trouble handling the whole situation, then seek professional help or talk to a friend because it can be hard to deal with the initial first stages by yourself, because in these times of mixed emotions you will need all the help and support you can get.
Sometimes it can prove better to speak to an independent party rather than talking to a well meaning friend who might not give you the advice you really want to hear.
It's all very well, somebody telling you if it was me, I would do this or that with them. But no one is really entitled to give an opinion until it happens to them, and it does not matter what your friends or family think, what is most important is your own well-being.
In the end what you decide to do has to be your decision based on what you deep down think is best for you.
The person who embarks on the affair has no idea of the pain, grief, shame and embarrassment they inflict on their partners.
The emotional damage of being on the receiving end of infidelity can be life lasting, all the lies and the betrayal can be hard to stomach let alone forgive, but if you choose to give your relationship another go then you have to forgive and forget for your own benefit.
Initially, you're going to feel very angry, to overcome the anger stage, you either have to confront your partner, and tell him/her you know or suspect, and you want it sorted out and resolved immediately.
Because the last thing you want is to allow your anger to simmer on the inside.
Also, accept the situation, and again, let you know that you're going to resolve it, one way or another.
Because if you do not resolve the matter immediately, you will create more and more anger and resentment.
Your situation needs sorting straight away, so you can accept it and either, you let it go or end the relationship.
Unless you have hard evidence or your partner admits it, asking him/her about it might not necessarily get you the truth.
If you question them, there is a chance that they might deny it or lie.
Take your time to think things through
Forgiving is easy, forgetting and letting it go is a lot harder, but it is important to put the whole thing behind you, there are no gains in dwelling on what happened or whose fault it was.
If you're going to make a fresh start, then the sooner you forget about it and focus only on the now and the future the better.
You may need a bit of time to get your emotions under control, give yourself some space to think things through clearly, there is no need to rush into making a decision.
One of the worst things you can do is to beg your partner to come back to you, getting back together has to be done on mutual terms, your self esteem may already be dented, do not make it any lower.
If you're considering trying to save your relationship avoid going chasing after them, play it casual, have them back on your terms. It is hard to make the right decision when your emotions are all over the place.
Giving your relationship another try should be something you both want and you both agree to, if it is the first time and your partner is full of remorse and regret then it may well be worth giving them one more chance.
Everybody makes mistakes, they shouldn't, but humans do, it can be silly to allow one mistake to spoil everything you have worked for.
With time you can forgive someone for a one off foolish mistake, if however it happens again that is unacceptable and it is probably time to end the relationship.
Before you give it another go, make sure they have ended their affair first and you have their word, it won't happen again, let them know there won't be another chance after this one.
If you're an innocent victim of an affair, then your first step is, you have to make a decision whether or not you want to pursue your relationship, make a decision whether you think, it is worth it or not.
When there is children involved or your relationship was generally good, then it is certainly worth considering trying to save it.
Do not blame yourself, there are no excuses for having an affair, there may be things that you both need to work on, but don't go thinking it's all your fault.
Perhaps there may be or there may have been some warning signs that you might have missed, has your partner mentioned recently that they are not happy, have you not been getting on, have they been subtle trying to tell you they felt there was something wrong with the relationship.
Because all relationships need working on, it is up to both parties to keep the relationship alive, complacency and thinking just because your settled that you are going to live happily ever after can result in future problems.
If you suspect something is wrong and our instinct can point this out for us then it is better to approach your partner with your concerns as early as possible before things go too far.
If you want help dealing with the emotional trauma of finding out you have been cheated on, then the link below can help you to process the emotions and help you to survive infidelity and even turn your relationship around.
An affair does not mean it is the end of your relationship
You can survive infidelity if both parties make a conscious effort to improve the relationship. Affairs do not necessarily mean that it is the end of your relationship.
Be careful not to go out and have an affair yourself just to spite your partner.
Because it's not what you want at the present moment and revenge won't really make you feel any better, plus you run the risk of unwanted pregnancies.
Relationships are a joint effort so you both need to try and work out where and why things went wrong so you make absolutely sure it does not happen again.
What you don't really want to do is drag up and talk about the actual affair, avoid asking any questions especially comparison based ones.
Another important thing to remember is do not throw it all back in your partners face every time you have an argument or disagreement.
If you're both fully committed and you can find it in your heart to forgive and let it go then you can come through this and it can even make your relationship stronger.
So your first decision is you have to decide if you think your relationship is worth rescuing or do you want to end it, whatever your decision, you still need to come to terms with life after the affair emotionally because it's not just about your partner you also have to deal with your own feelings of shame, anger, resentment and pride.
When you know something is wrong
Sometimes you don't see it coming, you may already have a hunch and gut feeling that you know something is not right or you may find out by chance.
Either way it comes as a shock, especially if you thought everything in your relationship was fine.
Your first response is anger and hurt at the betrayal, how could they and why is a normal response you ask yourself. If you know already, but your partner does not know you know then at some point you need to confront them, there is nothing worst for you if you try and bottle it all up in the hope that they will end it.
You may get different responses, they may deny it and tell you they were working late or our with their mates.
Even though you may have a gut intuition, it can become confusing for you, a part of you wants to believe them.
Deep down want to know you have got your judgement's wrong, but your intuition, which is a powerful force will tell you different.
Perhaps you are scared of hearing what you don't want to hear so you choose to blank it out, you may even start to believe their side of the story even though deep down you know they are lying to you because that's really want you want to believe.
You can even convince yourself that perhaps they are telling the truth, even though, deep down know their lying.
Sometimes you don't really want to hear or accept the truth.
Sometime a trial separation or cooling off period is a good idea, your main concern. Put yourself first, if you can get away for awhile.
Sometimes for a short while you may need some time for yourself because it can be like grieving period, others may need the company of their family or friends.
Forget about your partner as much as you can and focus on yourself, pamper yourself, try and occupy your mind off your troubles as much as possible.
Another important issue is do you tell anybody else or do you keep it to yourself.
The initial reaction is to condemn your partner to everybody, but consider this very carefully. If you do get back together do you want everybody to know what happened, initially you may have to confide in your family and very close friends, but you don't want to be the focal point of the local gossip.
Do not always trust your imagination
If you have decided to give your relationship another go then there will still be things you need to deal with yourself, the biggest issues and challenge you will probably have to face is, can you trust your partner and can you trust in your own imagination and perceptions.
After any bad experience your mind will try and protect you to make sure you avoid experiencing all the same emotional pain and anger again, the trouble is it does not always get things right.
The problem is when you get suspicious and you're stuck in a state of not knowing we tend to hand over control to the imagination and the emotional hurt and arousal caused by the imagination can cause you more stress and pain than the actual situation for real.
This can prove to be a difficult area to deal with, your mind will be alert to anything, it perceives as being suspicious in the future. Because you will already know the common signs of being cheated on, you can fall into the trap of miss reading a situation.
The problem is how do you regain the trust, you cannot keep your partner looked up indoors, you cannot be with them twenty hours a day either. So at some point you have to develop trust in them when they want to go out on their own.
For your own sake you must try and avoid worrying or trying to second guess what they are doing, because you don't want to end up phoning or texting them every hour just to check up on them.
Questioning and checking on them can put a strain on your relationship
Once you have been cheated on once you may start to fear it happening again, your imagination can begin to play tricks on you, because the mind views things from the worst case scenario your perception of what's going on may not actually be the truth.
Before you discovered they had the affair you probably would not think twice about what they were getting up to, but once it has happened you can if you're not careful become too suspicious where you can end up completely misjudging a situation when everything is really fine.
Your partner may be genuinely telling you the truth, they may be totally innocent when they are just having an innocent night out with their friends.
Your problem that you have to deal with is, do you trust your partner or your imagination, because your imagination can throw up all sorts of scenarios, remember your imagination does not always represent the true picture.
If you follow your imagination, then you could be heading for trouble, it is very easy to fall into the trap of believing your imagination, where you get to the stage where you only perceive things from a one way perspective.
Your imagination can get it all wrong, this can lead to you, winding yourself up to such a point that you end up confronting your partner with accusations and suspicion when they are completely innocent.
Once we buy into the perceptions of our imagination, it causes a negative emotional response and inevitably a negative outcome.
You don't want to be cheated on again, but you also don't want to live in fear of it happening again.
It is easy to misinterpret a situation to suit your own perceptions, your imagination is very powerful, it can paint a scenario that is believable and true to you but it is not true in actual reality.
You can become a victim of your own imagination, it becomes very easy to read into a situation, what suits you and what conforms to your own beliefs based on the bad experiences that happened to you.
For your own sake do not try and over analyze and work out what you think is happening, get on with your own life and try and trust your partner.
Follow your gut intuition, but do not follow, your over protective imagination, if you have any concerns try and talk it through with your partner instead of trying to second guess, because your imagination can be very convincing.
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