Help To Save Your Relationship
You're probably researching how to save your relationship because you are experiencing some very stressful, upsetting or difficult times at the moment, which are leaving you feeling lost and not knowing what to do for the best.
Perhaps you feel as the passion has died down, where your partner seems to have lost interest in you and theyno longer seems to care anymore and as hard as you try, it feels like you're both still drifting further and further apart.
Maybe things have become so tense that your relationship has reached breaking point, where you just seem to be going through the motions and the stories that you are telling yourself are all about breaking up.
All relationships start to lose their magic overtime and if you're having relationship trouble then the real root cause of the problem has probably been building up over quite a long period of time.
You don't just lose the spark and romance overnight, it gets gradually lost over a prolonged period of time and unless you address your relationship issues, they will carry on building and festering, until they reach crisis point.
It is a fact of life that people, times and situations change overtime and sometimes we have to accept that and adapt to it.
But this does not mean that you have to pull in opposite directions, until one day you find that your once happy, loving and fulfilling relationships has come to the point where all those good times, seem a distant happy memory.
Most relationships can be saved, even if you have hit rock bottom, as long as you both are willing to forgive, forget and move on.
Because if you are both willing to wipe the slate clean and you are both fully committed to creating a better relationship experience, then things can be turned around fairly quickly.
But before you go about, trying to save your relationship. The first question you need to ask yourself is.
Do you really want to save your relationship?
If your answer is yes, then it is time to start working on making your relationship better, because your relationship should be your source of happiness, security and love and not pain, constant uncertainty and stress.
You cannot rely on luck to determine whether you have a long, loving and fulfilling relationship.
Because to live happily ever after, requires commitment, a deep sense of connection and continuous work and dedication, which should start by getting the little things that really matter, right.
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Staying deeply connected
You can lose your job, lose all your money and lose your house and you can get them all back again.
But of you lose the deep connection and love that you had with your partner then it can be very hard to get it back.
The rock solid foundation of an successful and happy relationship is love and having a deep sense of connection.
This is why it is incredibly important that you try to build and maintain that deep sense of connection as it will provide you with more security, happiness, understanding and fulfillment.
A way to maintain a deep sense of connection, especially during those difficult, challenging and stressful times, is to keep on supporting each other and helping them to deal and resolve theirs or both of your troubles and personal problems.
Life can be hard a times, so it is important to stick together and not hurt, punish or make life even harder, for each other.
When you're both connected and working together, then you will have the strength to overcome, recover and move forwards in a brand new positive and exciting direction.
Respect your partner and yourself
One of the major reasons for why couples think about ending their relationship is because they say that they feel as if their partners do not respect them anymore, which can lower your levels of self esteem and self worth.
People who have a healthy and loving relationship, respect, love, value and support their partners.
If you both have lost a little respect for each other then it is vital that you both try and build and regain more respect for each other.
Showing some respect to your partner, with both words, affection and actions can do wonders to your relationship.
You also need respect and value yourself and ask to be respected back. Have your own input, opinions, but try to avoid saying them in a harsh or forceful way.
In the early days of your relationship, you probably spent most of your time in each others company, but maybe overtime your partner has started to do more of their own things.
As long as you still have the trusts in each other, a relationship can still thrive and flourish, even if you both have your own interests, hobbies or goals to achieve.
Try and avoid arguing and shouting
There will be times when you will both have a difference of opinions, an issue that needs sorting out or a disagreement.
If you feel like you have a grievance or difference of opinion to settle, try to avoid rushing in, whilst you still feeling angry or upset.
It does not matter who is in the right or wrong, have a cooling off period first and do what you can to calm yourself down before you discuss the issues, otherwise you will inevitably end up in yet another heated confrontation, that will just make things worse.
When you feel more calmly, then try and have a sensible discussion, don't suffer in silence, but try to deal with those delicate situations, in a calm and non threatening energy and tone of voice.
Relationships wouldwork much better if people would try and help, understand and support each other through their difficult times.
Make your relationship better, by reducing your own stress
You can improve your relationship, by working on your own happiness and emotional wellbeing, because when you feel happy, calm and at peace, everything will start to get better for you.
Take the strain and stress of you and you will take some of the strain, tension and stress out of your relationship.
When things are not going well for us, we start to tell ourselves stories in our head, which are basically a pattern of thoughts that we convince ourselves are the only alternative.
You may be telling yourself the story that your partner has lost interest in you and the no longer care about you or that your relationship is doomed or you could have other negative stories going on your mind.
They could be about, what your partner has done, what you think they should be doing or what is going wrong with your relationship or they could be about other things that you're struggling with in your life.
Sometimes you may have a genuine issues or problem that you may need to resolve but other times these stories we tell ourselves could just be assumptions based on you you feel or what you are perceiving.
Nearly all of our stressful and negative feelings are based on these stories we are telling ourselves, many of which are either assumptions or the worse case scenario perspective.
When you are having negative and stressful feelings, it is your inner emotional guidance trying to tell you that you either; need to resolve what is bothering you and let it go or change the way you think about it.
Make sure you take great care of yourself and allow some time to relax deeply each day as it can do wonder for you and your relationship.
Any time you notice that you're having a negative or stressful feeling, provides you with an opportunity to relax, do things differently.
Never accept a thought as being true or the only way to perceive a situation; realize that your thoughts are untrue or there is always a better way of thinking about or reacting to a stressful or negative situation.
Don't let your pride or ego, ruin your relationship experience
You cannot always agree on everything. But you can learn to disagree without falling out with each other.
One of the biggest causes of arguments and resentments is caused by, one of you always wanting to be right or have your own way.
Remember, you are two totally different people, with sometimes different idea's and points of view, so you need to consider your partners wants and opinions.
Trying to please our own ego and wanting to get our own way or wanting to be right all the time, is also one of the biggest causes of relationship conflicts.
Very little is achieved or gained through having blazing arguments or rows with each other. But, very often, there is a lot to lose.
What is the point in satisfying your ego, if it is damaging your relationship. Although you should have your own views, needs and opinions.
If you are both feeling a bit upset and angry. It is best that you avoid talking until you have both cooled down.
At times you feel angry, or in the heat of the moment, never try to
- Intentionally emotionally hurt or upset your partner
- Never try to seek revenge or get your own back
- Avoid dragging up the past or throwing things back into their face.
Every minute you're thinking angry thoughts or thoughts of revenge, you're damaging yourself and you run the risk of ruining your relationship.
This does not mean that you should shut up and allow your partner to treat you badly or take you for granted.
But, sometimes, you just have to learn to forgive and forget or to let things go. Another important thing to avoid doing, is playing the blame game.
Try to avoid conflict
One of the worse things that you can do is to rub your partner up the wrong way or lower their self esteem, with critical statements that cause conflict and bad feelings.
Try to avoid statements that you know will lead to an argument or conflict. If you're feeling unhappy or upset over something concerning your partner.
A few well chosen words, can help to get your own way, and avoid conflict.
Often when we want something to change in our relationship, we use negative statements to get our point across.
But that rarely helps us to get what we want, and it can result in exactly the opposite, or at best a forced change.
There are better ways of getting what you want, and it is always better to first try a positive approach.
So, instead of saying things that start with you never
"You never listen/talk to me anymore"
Re-frame it to something like,
"Wouldn't be nice to spend some time together and have a nice chat"
If you find yourself about to say something that starts with the word you're always
"You're always having a go at me"
Re-frame it to something like
"Life would be a lot easier if we got on better"
If you're unhappy, because your partner makes your home untidy
" I am fed up with you, always making the house untidy"
Re-frame it to something like
"Wouldn't it be nice, to have a clean and tidy house
If you keep complaining about your partner hardly ever takes you out and you say things like
" You never take me anywhere nice anymore"
"I would love to spend some nice days/evenings out together"
If you go rushing in with negative words like, never or always, then it will cause a bad reaction, and your partner will either clam up or it will end up in another argument.
But if you use positive words or words spoken in a more softer tone, then it should result in a better and more positive outcome.
Be prepared to listen to each other
Sometimes getting the little things right is way more important than the grande romantic gestures and one of the most important things you can do is to talk to each other and listen to each other.
It is important that you listen to your partner and you take their views, concerns, opinions and needs seriously and try not to just assume that everything is OK.
Often when there is a growing or a festering problem in a relationship, the other party can overlook it or not take their partner seriously enough.
Some people can get a bit complacent. Often they will assume that once they're married or in a long term relationship, everything will always be fine.
When a partner voices a concern or they express that they're not happy at the moment over something, then it's easy to not listen to them or take them seriously enough.
Some think that their partner's problem or their relationship problem will go away or they are being silly or overreacting.
But what might seem trivial and unimportant to one person, might be a major problem to another.
When you get complacent or you're too busy or too occupied with something else to listen, then this can be a recipe for relationship problems, later down the line.
The same applies when you don't take the problem seriously, you ignore the problem and your partner or you don't accept that there is a problem that needs addressing.
One of the worse things that you can do, is failing to listen to a relationship problem, or you carry on doing the things that are upsetting or irritating your partner.
Listening and being considerate to your partner, can help to build you a better relationship, but very often, people leave it far too late, to put right.
One way to make your relationship work is. If your partner has a problem or a need, or if they let you know that they're not happy with you or they don't like what you are or are not doing.
Then you need to either stop doing it, pay attention, or work through and fix your problem.
Our ego, can destroy our relationship. None of us likes to think, were wrong, we have flaws or were at fault. But sometimes we have to take look at ourselves, instead of putting all the blame on our partners.
You should also listen to what they have to say and try and be interested in their everyday life.
Like their conversations, their hobbies or likes, and most importantly, listen and pay attention to them.
Because, it is far too easy to get engaged in what you're doing or watching on TV, instead of listening to what your partner has to say.
After the honeymoon period is over we are all a little bit guilty of falling into the complacency and taking each other for granted trap.
Have you been taking your partner for granted. Have you stopped paying them so much attention as you used to, do you spend a bit too much time, with your friends and families.
Have you stopped being spontaneous and become a little too predictable and set in your ways. Or, have you stopped appreciating your partner.
If so, try and be a bit more considerate and appreciative towards your partner, people like to feel appreciated.
Ask your partner what they like to do, try taking up new interests and activities together, try and introduce a bit more passion and sparkle in your relationship, an element of surprise every now and again can do wonders.
Having some mini breaks away can put the sparkle back into your life as can buying them some small presents and gifts from time to time.
Try to avoid pushing your partner into doing things that they don't want to do, what they don't enjoy and what they don't like doing. Just to try and make you feel happy.
Has your relationship and life become more of a routine?
Like everything else in life when you repeat doing the same things over and over again, then they can become a little bit dull and mundane.
Life should be exciting, varied and enjoyable. You have to bare in mind that you are going to be spending a large part of your life together so you need to keep that spark and magic alive.
It can be bad enough having to do a boring repetitive job, the last thing that you want is to allow your relationship to become routine and dull.
People tend to do the same things week in week out. Although there is nothing wrong with that, if you're both happy, sometimes we need to be more active and outgoing.
Even though you may be happy with the way things are. It does not necessarily mean that your partner is happy, they might just be going through the motions, to please you.
You could try and do different things from time to time, visit different places together, add a few pleasant unplanned surprises every now and again. Ask your partner what they would like to do and try and be a bit more spontaneous and do some of the thigns that you used to do when you first met.
Being a little bit more spontaneous and adventurous can do wonders to your relationship, if you want to keep your partner happy then you may need to break the normal habits and patterns of behaviors.
You don't have to both go to bed and wake up at the same time, and you have not got to stick to doing things in the same order and at the same time each day.
Avoid too much nagging, criticizing and complaining
Try not to be too overly critical about your partner as this can put a strain on your relationship.
Even if you feel the need to criticize, take a deep breath and hold back, then try a softer more subtle approach.
Because, constant negative criticism is one of the biggest causes of the demise of your relationship.
When you nag, complain, criticize or put your partner down all the time. Then it can leave them feeling as if they have to tread on egg shells or they just can't seem to do anything right.
Then they are also going to feel, unloved, diminished and not valued or appreciated.
Criticism and nagging comes from a negative state, and any form of negativity in a relationship is bad for the both of you.
When you react negatively to your partner all the time, then it is going to result in friction and conflict, which is going to damage your relationship.
This is not good for you or your partners emotional well-being and happiness. Eventually, it can lead to the possibility of the breakdown of your relationship.
If you are critical of your partner all the time. Then this can mean that you are spending too much time in a negative state yourself.
Ideally you should both be making your partners feel valued and happy as well as working on making your relationship stronger, instead of destroying your relationship and your partner's self worth.
Another common mistake people make, is wanting to have their own way all the time, because sometimes you do have to give and take and try to enjoy the time that you spend together.
Your partner will naturally want to spend more valuable time with you, if you are happy. calm and fun loving.
If you're criticizing your partner. Then this can suggest you are feeling discontented with your circumstances, or you want them to do something or change their ways.
Again, instead of being critical in the hope you will get what you want. Try to inspire him/her in a positive and encouraging manner or express your desires in a positive way.
As before you can use words like.
"I would really love it if............"
" I wish you would........."
By delivering what you want in a positive way. You avoid all the anger, hurt and resentment. And the more you do this, the better chance you will have of getting what you wish without and conflict.
This means you will be happy and your partner will feel happier, valued and loved.
If you find yourself being critical a lot. Then this could also be an indication, that your emotional needs and wants are not being met.
Maybe you feel disappointed with your partner and your relationship at the moment. If this is the case, then you both might need to work on seeing how you can make things better.
Try not try to change or control your partner
Are you or have you been unreasonable in your behaviors or demands or is it the other way around?
If you or your partner are using dominant or physiological and emotional pressure to get your own way or to try and change them, control them or bring them around so they conform to your beliefs and ideals then that will never work.
One of the biggest mistakes you can make is wanting everything your own way or assuming you are always right,
You are both individuals, your partner is not your property or toy to play with. Remember, they have feelings and wants.
It is fine to have discussions, but you cannot force your opinions or idea's onto your partner.
It is not wise to try and bring them round to your way of thinking all the time. Your job is not to try to control the other person or try to change him or her to go in a direction that you want, if it goes against their wishes.
Avoid trying to mold them into something that conforms to your beliefs or likes, your partner as committed a large part of their life to be with you so always be grateful and appreciative for that.
When you're out socializing, be careful not to ignore your partner or put them down to get a cheap laugh, treat them as your best friend as well as your lover.
Because relationships won't work if you are trying to control the actions of your partner, everybody sees things differently and thinks differently.
We are all individuals, showing respect, appreciation and being nice is by far the best option, because the more you give the more you will receive back from them.
Use positive words, feelings and actions, to win over your partner as they will be greeted with a much warmer welcome and more positive response and outcome.
Express Your Feelings
Sometimes it can pay to express your feelings and appreciation in the form of words and actions and it's not all about words.
Being kind and considerate and treating your partner with a day out or a few gifts can help to show you still care, try to put some sparkle back into your relationship.
Try switching your thinking of your relationship not working, because the more you focus on the bad things about your relationship the more you will be moving all your energy and attention onto breaking up.
If you can, try and focus on things improving, if you find that too hard just go general with your thinking and forget about all your current troubles.
This will take all the pressure off yourself and it will put you in a better feeling place which will give you a better chance of working things out.
Don't allow outside influences to interfere
Today, modern couples seem to face more pressures than our predecessors, the economic downfall and the ever rising cost of living is forcing more and more couples to work longer hours for no extra benefits.
The stress of the modern day life and financial difficulties has been listed as to some of the main reasons relationships are breaking down amongst other things.
The high price of property and buying your own house has put untold pressure on many young couples.
Marriage guidance and counselling can benefit some couples, however, this can be expensive and it does not always work and the high cost of marriage guidance will only add to the already too high cost of living.
The stresses of bringing up children can if you let it put a strain on your relationship. Your emotional state and your attitude can be the difference between a happy and successful relationship and one that is doomed to failure.
Every couple needs some quality time they can spend alone without the burden of the kids coming between you.
So if you can send the kids off to their grandparents for the occasional weekend now and again.
Also, be careful when you're discussing your personal problems with friend and family because what they advice might not always be in the best interests for you.
Sometimes other people's opinions can be good advice, other times they opinions are based around their own experiences and perceptions.
Sometimes a temporary cooling off period can help
If you have reached a point of stalemate and all else has failed, then sometimes a temporary separation can just take the pressure off both of you can help you to sort out your relationships.
Very often it is the case of, you don't know what good you had until it's gone.
You don't want a total separation where you lose touch and contact with each other, just a short period of time apart so you can both de-stress and calm down.
If you choose this route it can be beneficial to still meet up see each other once or twice a week just to keep in touch with each other.
Turn back the clocks and start to date each other, like when you first met, go to the cinema a restaurant or for a few days out.
Some people choose to take a holiday instead of a temporary separation to try and rekindle the old passion which has been lost with all the emotional strains some relationships experience.
We can all tend to become complacent and even begin to neglect ourselves so there is no harm in getting into shape and doing some exercise or going to the gym.
Although you may be convinced your marriage is falling apart and it is destined for failure.
There are a lot of measures which you can both take to stave off the expensive counselling and the misery and hardship that divorce and separation can have on both of you and your children if you have any.
No matter what the circumstances and regardless of who is to blame there is very rarely such a circumstance of a hopeless case where the relationship cannot be saved.
Communication is a vital element in making your relationship work. Talking, rather than shouting, helps defuse conflict.
But it is not just about talking about your relationship difficulties and your difference of opinions either.
Sometimes, everyday small talk and everyday communication are missing in a relationship. Especially if the one or both partners have to work long hours.
We all get tired, and we all have our own interests or TV programs that we like to watch. But, it can really help, to spend a bit of quality time, have a discussion with your partner.
Another common problem that can damage a relationship is. When one partner tends to ignore the other when they are out socializing. It can be easy to start to neglect your partner, and leave them feeling left out.
Making an effort to involve them and listen to what they have to say, as well paying them a bit of attention, can go a long way to keeping your relationship alive.
If you're stuck for things to say. Ask them things like how their day went, what they have been up to or ask them how they are feeling, or just engage in everyday general chit chat.
The more you watch the same TV shows together and the more you share some of the same interests, the more you will have to talk about.
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